On Popularity and Posing

The transition from being a paid minister to a non-paid one has brought a lot of questions about what I used to be. Anytime money is involved in an equation, motives get blurry. Add recognition or popularity to the mix, it gets even more cloudy. My niche was music, worship music to be exact. Around 1991, I started writing songs that I would use in my worship leadership. The response inititally was pretty good. The feedback I got seemed to indicate that the style in which I wrote connected with people. This led to about a 10yr run of writing, leading and recording original songs. It was a lot of fun, a definite highlight. Something happened slowly, and I am still not entirely sure what it was, but my music was not receivied in the same way. The one thing I could point to was that the music I was writing was going in a different direction than what was popular, and the popular songs were what people preferred to sing. Honestly, this was a bit threatening, and it led me to ask the question, "Why?" As I said above, popularity can be like a fly in the ointment. I was losing my place and wasn't sure what to do. I started questioning my effectiveness, even my faith and favor with God. I guess I had bought into the idea that popularity and God's blessing go hand in hand. It never dawned on me that my music could be sung in every church and it not be an indication of anything of God. It could have meant I just got lucky. It's been over 2 years since I last led any kind of worship gathering. I'm not sure if I could ever do it again. I think I would feel too conflicted within. Now that I am out of that scene, I'm too overwhelmed with motive. In my obscurity, there is something safer. I don't have to worry about being a poser.